By: Me
I know the above analogy is a little gory. It's actually a paraphrasing of an SMS I sent someone a few months ago, and I was trying to communicate a message, although I seriously doubt she got it.
The title-phrase is very familiar to all of us. Every time we face a huge setback, an immensely painful experience, or a failed relationship, we always tell this phrase to ourselves as a consolation. I'm very certain that ALL of us have used this before, and don't worry, there's no big deal.
I actually thought of the analogy in a very short time, definitely under a minute. I remember very vividly this story that my D&T teacher shared with us when I was Sec 1 or 2. Mr Benny Chng, that's his name, and I really respect him a lot. He was telling us how he was helping to chop the vegetables for a camp, and before he knew it, the chopping board was red: he sliced his thumb to the extent that it was still dangling, but almost severed. He was also sharing how his face turned pale with the loss of blood, but luckily for him, he was sent to a hospital in time and his finger was re-attached, except for some scarring. Maybe it looked something like this:
Source: http://pro.corbis.comYes yes, there's no way it could have looked like that because I remember what I said: T-H-U-M-B! That's for all the nitpickers out there! :D (Nice finger too, if you ask me!)
Coming back to the topic, I thought the analogy was very apt. Something happened between us, and the mutual relationship sustained quite some damage. Now, my opinion of a relationship between 2 people, whether it be a normal friendship or a romantic relationship, follows another common saying: it takes 2 hands to clap. Maintaining a relationship is my responsibility as much as it is yours, that's what I'm saying.
In that particular situation, I was trying my best to restore the relationship back to what it was. After all, things have happened, and we have to move on. However, in order to move on, certain issues should be addressed. Sure, things can get awkward or even embarrassing, but as mature adults, that is how I feel we should address the whole matter. We should be able to sit down, talk things out, iron out the problems and then proceed from there.
The response that I got was not very encouraging. I felt that while I was trying to make things right again, the impression I got was that she did not seem interested in doing her part. It seemed as though she just wanted to let things pass, and let time heal the wounds.
Yes, time DOES heal all wounds. I'm not disputing that nugget of wisdom, but think back to my analogy, and you'll find that it is not so much whether the wounds will heal, but the manner in which the wound heals!
Source: http://www.7art-screensavers.com
As I mentioned earlier, it takes 2 hands to clap. Just like the man who had his finger sliced off, he has to take good care of his cut-off finger, taking steps to preserve it, while at the same time heading to a hospital, where the doctors will take over and do their thing. See the mutual-responsibility at work here? Both the casualty and the hospital have to do their part. As a casualty, there's only so much I can do to help, but the doctor has to work to re-attach my poor finger!
Source: http://gizmondo.com
After months of thinking, and sharing my thoughts with friends, as well as getting their feedback, I think it's quite safe to say that many people don't realize the role they have to play as one party in a relationship. And I remind you, "relationship" in this case can mean friendship or a romantic relationship, but not limited to either. I certainly hope that as friends, none of you will have the mentality that "Oh, I didn't ask for this to happen, so why should I have to clean it up? It's your mess..."
Like it or not, when something happens, the responsibility falls to both parties, unless one party is clearly in the wrong, as in the case of adultery, murder or other such acts. I think this is something many of us have to recognize, especially as working adults. Yet, how many of us actually realize this?
Over the past 2 weeks, my Bible Study group was also on the topic of "Forgiveness", and my discussion leader, with his experience and wisdom, shared that there's no such thing as "forgive and forget", because we can never forget, especially if it is a heinous crime like murdering a family member. Rather, "true forgiveness" comes when there is no more bitterness in the heart, when we are no longer the slave of the pain and the anger.
Source: http://blogs.psychologytoday.com
In this particular case, the issue was dragged on indefinitely, despite my attempts to address the problem. I can't say that my impression of this friend has improved, but rather the opposite. A few mutual friends also share this "shake head" reaction when we talk about it. While I have no trouble forgiving this friend, I am just sorry that my impression of her has deteriorated so much, that my faith and trust in her has dropped by so much. If she had done something about it earlier, things wouldn't have turned out like this, and this is precisely the irreversible "permanent damage" that I'm talking about: I will never be able to look upon her the same way as before. So much for wanting things to be "the same as before" eh?
So yes, things have to move on. I still talk to her, communicate with her once in a while, but even if she chooses to address the issue now, the damage is already made permanent. The wound has closed up on the finger stub, and the nerve ends on the finger have already died, and I can only feel sorry for how things have reached this stage.
Are you in such a situation with a friend now? Are you doing anything to help the wound to heal with the finger intact?
Coming back to the topic, I thought the analogy was very apt. Something happened between us, and the mutual relationship sustained quite some damage. Now, my opinion of a relationship between 2 people, whether it be a normal friendship or a romantic relationship, follows another common saying: it takes 2 hands to clap. Maintaining a relationship is my responsibility as much as it is yours, that's what I'm saying.
In that particular situation, I was trying my best to restore the relationship back to what it was. After all, things have happened, and we have to move on. However, in order to move on, certain issues should be addressed. Sure, things can get awkward or even embarrassing, but as mature adults, that is how I feel we should address the whole matter. We should be able to sit down, talk things out, iron out the problems and then proceed from there.
The response that I got was not very encouraging. I felt that while I was trying to make things right again, the impression I got was that she did not seem interested in doing her part. It seemed as though she just wanted to let things pass, and let time heal the wounds.
Yes, time DOES heal all wounds. I'm not disputing that nugget of wisdom, but think back to my analogy, and you'll find that it is not so much whether the wounds will heal, but the manner in which the wound heals!
Source: http://www.7art-screensavers.comAs I mentioned earlier, it takes 2 hands to clap. Just like the man who had his finger sliced off, he has to take good care of his cut-off finger, taking steps to preserve it, while at the same time heading to a hospital, where the doctors will take over and do their thing. See the mutual-responsibility at work here? Both the casualty and the hospital have to do their part. As a casualty, there's only so much I can do to help, but the doctor has to work to re-attach my poor finger!
Source: http://gizmondo.comAfter months of thinking, and sharing my thoughts with friends, as well as getting their feedback, I think it's quite safe to say that many people don't realize the role they have to play as one party in a relationship. And I remind you, "relationship" in this case can mean friendship or a romantic relationship, but not limited to either. I certainly hope that as friends, none of you will have the mentality that "Oh, I didn't ask for this to happen, so why should I have to clean it up? It's your mess..."
Like it or not, when something happens, the responsibility falls to both parties, unless one party is clearly in the wrong, as in the case of adultery, murder or other such acts. I think this is something many of us have to recognize, especially as working adults. Yet, how many of us actually realize this?
Over the past 2 weeks, my Bible Study group was also on the topic of "Forgiveness", and my discussion leader, with his experience and wisdom, shared that there's no such thing as "forgive and forget", because we can never forget, especially if it is a heinous crime like murdering a family member. Rather, "true forgiveness" comes when there is no more bitterness in the heart, when we are no longer the slave of the pain and the anger.
Source: http://blogs.psychologytoday.comSo yes, things have to move on. I still talk to her, communicate with her once in a while, but even if she chooses to address the issue now, the damage is already made permanent. The wound has closed up on the finger stub, and the nerve ends on the finger have already died, and I can only feel sorry for how things have reached this stage.
Are you in such a situation with a friend now? Are you doing anything to help the wound to heal with the finger intact?
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